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Desire

September 23, 2010 2 comments


Tonight, as I write this, I wonder what I could say, what small impact I could have on the thoughts of those who read this. But then I recall how much interest can be derived from personal stories, so I thought to myself, ‘I am going to be completely self-indulgent this evening and write about a few experiences here and there.’ Naturally I would need to include some underlying moral message or it really is, white trash vomiting more trash, which will be digested and processed by more trash.

Moving onto the matter at hand. In essence I am an arrogant, hypocritical, vain product of the societal influence. This is not to say that I do not exhibit positive qualities, yet I always find the negative ones much more interesting to explore. Considering myself ‘gay,’ is a total and utter non-event and a superfluous statement to be made. Personally I believe a person is defined to a large degree on their action and personality, and to a lesser degree, what they are and their function. This is always an interesting topic to explore, and I would ask any reader that feels the need to respond to the proceeding ‘call to self-evaluative arms.’ What are you? In every sense of the world, the manner in which we define ourselves to the world, is often more interesting than the definition itself. In any case I will that challenge to anyone who has courage enough to say [contact details are also listed on this site].

I am a complete and utter swirl of emotion based thought, it gets rather distracting at times. This is not to say I discredit logic, but, and to use a physical example, there are points in life where issues may not be solved by using any of the five senses apart from touch. This in turn speaks of a powerful need for human contact, which whilst it is made out to be rather insignificant, plays a massive role in the behaviour of the individual. Desire and the outcome of action designed to fulfil such desires.

Desire.

Of late it has been a manner of some confusion. Muddled with the snares of alcohol and cheap but costly socialisation. These appearances as a flirtatious, sexually devious, drag queen, faggot for lack of a better term, have led to a questioning of ones own morality. I was raised with morals, I know that much, where did they disappear? Perhaps to another dimension leaving one to wallow in the jilted realisation of one’s past romantic exploits. Morality, a seemingly innocent convention that provokes the most niche like behaviour and beliefs, so as to individualise a human. What use is that, in relation to desire? Morality surely, cannot dictate individuals most desperate and pervading desire. –Can it? Casting ones mind back to the previous year, I have recollections of a resolution for the year to come. I refused to believe that on New Years Eve, 2010, I would stand-alone as hordes of humanity romanticised the New Year. Yet, here I am once more, heading toward the end of the year, without anyone to call my own. But it is not only the un-fulfillment of ones own desire that provokes a feeling of personal shame, but the knowledge, or lack thereof, of a person in my life that I see suitable to the task. It is horrible to think of romance in such a manner, one of the reasons behind this loneliness. Harsh reality of the world is that people miss meetings by chance, people do not meet those they were destined for, and that’s even if you believe in that ethereal waste. Paranoia rises within my being as I begin to delve into the past, the number of, “could have been,” meetings. However, what does that achieve? A man may ask himself questions in the dark for eternity, without ever achieving any form of personal enlightenment. It was once stated that apathy is one of the biggest detrimental influences to the youth of the globe, and this is true. Apathy has the capacity to clutch the heart with such force so as to have a person never move, not for fear, but for realisation that nothing will come out of action. I would concede that this is the state that I am presently residing. Knowledge that an attempt for “love,” is useless and worth nothing more than mirthless laughter. I would not ask to break this cycle of thinking, as it would appear that I feel to view the world in a more encompassing manner. This does not mean that I enjoy, refute, deny or accept this state of mind. One thing is for sure, it certainly is a dampener on time spent alone. That being said, it is also a tool that can be used for clarity when in social situations. In all honestly, I despise reputation, I find it incomprehensible that one may be judged in future upon past deeds, or one night in particular. But should it be something that I reside myself to? If I am to ever find the person that makes my heart sing, to shed a tear in hope and joy, I must break this ill-informed judge of mine own character. Perhaps I should clarify what I desire.

I desire a man with which conversation flows – A person through which he and I have the capacity to experience a profound emotional connection. Intellectual for the purposes of aided development on both parts. And a true spark and connection with life. One that comes alive with energy, yet knows when his energies are better put to intellectual use. Looks, I wont deny, assist to quite a degree in the initial connection. Yet all these attributes mean nothing, if he is not my friend – An unequivocal companion through which nothing and everything may flow. Friend, in that we may giggle like immature seven-year-olds before shifting to a highly intellectual argument about the state of morality, the economy, or the notion that no left wing political party exists in the Australian political spectrum.

Obviously this is all too much to ask. But that does not quash the burning desire within my heart to be united with a being of this calibre. Perhaps it will never happen. Perhaps it will. Yet I would postulate that writing long-winded pieces on the nature of my desire would not be the best way to go about finding what I so require.

“In short I wish this world the best, and hope to find resolution and rest.
From these shackles of apathy which bind the mind.
Yet I am at a loss, my desire, a better where to find.” – Braiden Dunn

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The Heart of Discrimination

September 8, 2010 Leave a comment

Self Fulfilling Prophecy – A prediction wherein, by direct or indirect means, comes to fruition.
Now one might ask, why is this even relevant to such a vibrant and colourful discussion of thought? Personally I wanted to take a brief look at the use of stereotypes and their impact upon society [rather anti-discrimination essay, I know]. However I simply could not discuss the progression of stereotype throughout history without giving weight to the notion of a self fulfilling prophecy. More on this later.

 To begin, I will state, these over generalisations of the individual to exist for a reason. That’s correct, either by chance, or development, behaviour patterns of certain individuals are particularly predictable. I will use one exemplar groups [one with my most understanding of] within this discussion. The homosexual, male community, a group that is strikingly diverse, with vibrant and introverted characters existing within, a true amalgamation of humanity.

The male homosexual population, having been labelled with femininity, slanderous and salacious behaviour and indeed overly sensitive and emotional qualities means that these rather precise descriptions cannot have risen from the air. This is where the idea of a prophecy fits into the argument. Honestly, what is the value of a stereotype if it holds no truth?

Cast ones mind back into human history, during the ancient periods of human existence, such sexual behaviour was deemed the norm, and perhaps even superior to heterosexual relations. Evident within ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome, anywhere sex was practiced… sounds like an advertisement doesn’t it? Anyway, this is where the often misquoted, “Not in the way of the ancient Greeks,” phrase was developed. But with the rise of Christianity and Islam so to came the downfall or perhaps closeting of homosexuality – In particular male homosexuality. This is interesting to note, as lesbianism was not even considered to be practiced, thus the lack of legal systems regulating such an act. This is also evident today, as the classification of female-female sex if often blurred and is subjective to the parties involved. With the closeting of the gays, and through the discriminatory stance the Church held for practically everything except middle-upper class predominately white males so too came the shame often associated with what is now a widely accepted [yet still unfortunately, controversial] lifestyle. Therefore the unearthing of homosexuality is a fairly modern [1850 – Present] phenomenon.

This period of history is also synonymous with the study of the mind, psychology and numerous attempts to understand the psyche of the individual. With the delightful inclusion of Freud into the mix, and his somewhat fanatical focus on the sexuality and gender roles of humanity means for a volatile environment for the formation of beliefs. Discrimination as a generation detriment is such a powerful tool to ensure that hate remains embedded within an individual, for almost any notion or reasoning.

When Western society was formulating its beliefs regarding homosexuality, one also must keep in mind the influence that the gross amount of religious conservatism had upon the populace, be they religious or not. Additionally the simple dream to find a wife then create a family also has an impact on the development of this stereotype. With the social climate in such a fashion, gays could have chosen a more suited time to unearth their true self, in fact it is commendable that anything did occur during this time, due to the ultra conservative nature of the time. But the culmination of sexuality and gender focus, in addition to the previous 1600 years or so, of discrimination through the church means not only for a totally biased formation of opinion but a totally belligerent and ignorant view. Perhaps the notion of same-sex relationships was totally and utterly incomprehensible, meaning that it needed to be categorised into heterosexual terms, with one partner becoming the feminine and one, masculine. This notion is still evident today, as I find numerous members of the homosexual community catering to an outdated belief, that is a punch in the face for true equality. The feminine partners, ironically and usually being the louder, more provocative of the two perhaps meant for the creation of such a stereotype.

Interesting side note, the etymological meaning of the word faggot [Recognised 1914, American and English Dictionary], is not due to the burning of some homosexuals during the days of Westernised capital punishment, rather it is taken from a previous contemptuous and particularly insulting word for woman, thus another subconscious element of the feminine nature of homosexual men.

Whatever the reason for its creation, it has eventually progressed and flourished within society today, which in turn has created a few issues as a generational and societal prophecy. It is a sad fact of reality that a mere expectation may indeed result in confirmation of a preconceived idea. But this is what is occurring, numerous, especially younger homosexual males are finding a basic element of human experience [acceptance] through catering to these stereotypes. The prophecy that gay men are nothing more than a bunch of over emotional, peroxide blonde, feminine, queens is coming to fruition for the mere fact that this idea exists. Personally I am saddened by the rather real impact I see it has upon society, as I too have at times become victim to this prophecy. Yet that is not who we are. It is not our true character, and if ‘coming out,’ only provides us another manner through which we must dress, act, speak and associate, then is there really any point in revealing anything at all?

I suppose this argument is rather circular, it is like asking, what came first, the chicken or then egg? But the question we must really ask ourselves and each other – How much do we actually pander to the stereotypes and expectations placed upon our character?

Adieu.

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