Tonight, as I write this, I wonder what I could say, what small impact I could have on the thoughts of those who read this. But then I recall how much interest can be derived from personal stories, so I thought to myself, ‘I am going to be completely self-indulgent this evening and write about a few experiences here and there.’ Naturally I would need to include some underlying moral message or it really is, white trash vomiting more trash, which will be digested and processed by more trash.
Moving onto the matter at hand. In essence I am an arrogant, hypocritical, vain product of the societal influence. This is not to say that I do not exhibit positive qualities, yet I always find the negative ones much more interesting to explore. Considering myself ‘gay,’ is a total and utter non-event and a superfluous statement to be made. Personally I believe a person is defined to a large degree on their action and personality, and to a lesser degree, what they are and their function. This is always an interesting topic to explore, and I would ask any reader that feels the need to respond to the proceeding ‘call to self-evaluative arms.’ What are you? In every sense of the world, the manner in which we define ourselves to the world, is often more interesting than the definition itself. In any case I will that challenge to anyone who has courage enough to say [contact details are also listed on this site].
I am a complete and utter swirl of emotion based thought, it gets rather distracting at times. This is not to say I discredit logic, but, and to use a physical example, there are points in life where issues may not be solved by using any of the five senses apart from touch. This in turn speaks of a powerful need for human contact, which whilst it is made out to be rather insignificant, plays a massive role in the behaviour of the individual. Desire and the outcome of action designed to fulfil such desires.
Of late it has been a manner of some confusion. Muddled with the snares of alcohol and cheap but costly socialisation. These appearances as a flirtatious, sexually devious, drag queen, faggot for lack of a better term, have led to a questioning of ones own morality. I was raised with morals, I know that much, where did they disappear? Perhaps to another dimension leaving one to wallow in the jilted realisation of one’s past romantic exploits. Morality, a seemingly innocent convention that provokes the most niche like behaviour and beliefs, so as to individualise a human. What use is that, in relation to desire? Morality surely, cannot dictate individuals most desperate and pervading desire. –Can it? Casting ones mind back to the previous year, I have recollections of a resolution for the year to come. I refused to believe that on New Years Eve, 2010, I would stand-alone as hordes of humanity romanticised the New Year. Yet, here I am once more, heading toward the end of the year, without anyone to call my own. But it is not only the un-fulfillment of ones own desire that provokes a feeling of personal shame, but the knowledge, or lack thereof, of a person in my life that I see suitable to the task. It is horrible to think of romance in such a manner, one of the reasons behind this loneliness. Harsh reality of the world is that people miss meetings by chance, people do not meet those they were destined for, and that’s even if you believe in that ethereal waste. Paranoia rises within my being as I begin to delve into the past, the number of, “could have been,” meetings. However, what does that achieve? A man may ask himself questions in the dark for eternity, without ever achieving any form of personal enlightenment. It was once stated that apathy is one of the biggest detrimental influences to the youth of the globe, and this is true. Apathy has the capacity to clutch the heart with such force so as to have a person never move, not for fear, but for realisation that nothing will come out of action. I would concede that this is the state that I am presently residing. Knowledge that an attempt for “love,” is useless and worth nothing more than mirthless laughter. I would not ask to break this cycle of thinking, as it would appear that I feel to view the world in a more encompassing manner. This does not mean that I enjoy, refute, deny or accept this state of mind. One thing is for sure, it certainly is a dampener on time spent alone. That being said, it is also a tool that can be used for clarity when in social situations. In all honestly, I despise reputation, I find it incomprehensible that one may be judged in future upon past deeds, or one night in particular. But should it be something that I reside myself to? If I am to ever find the person that makes my heart sing, to shed a tear in hope and joy, I must break this ill-informed judge of mine own character. Perhaps I should clarify what I desire.
I desire a man with which conversation flows – A person through which he and I have the capacity to experience a profound emotional connection. Intellectual for the purposes of aided development on both parts. And a true spark and connection with life. One that comes alive with energy, yet knows when his energies are better put to intellectual use. Looks, I wont deny, assist to quite a degree in the initial connection. Yet all these attributes mean nothing, if he is not my friend – An unequivocal companion through which nothing and everything may flow. Friend, in that we may giggle like immature seven-year-olds before shifting to a highly intellectual argument about the state of morality, the economy, or the notion that no left wing political party exists in the Australian political spectrum.
Obviously this is all too much to ask. But that does not quash the burning desire within my heart to be united with a being of this calibre. Perhaps it will never happen. Perhaps it will. Yet I would postulate that writing long-winded pieces on the nature of my desire would not be the best way to go about finding what I so require.
“In short I wish this world the best, and hope to find resolution and rest.
From these shackles of apathy which bind the mind.
Yet I am at a loss, my desire, a better where to find.” – Braiden Dunn